Friday, February 1, 2013

Six tips to become a Football Faker

Sunday is Super Bowl and I'm so eat some great game food!
Breaking shocking news right here: I know absolutely nothing about football. When I say nothing I mean that I know what the ball looks like, when it goes over the arch that is a field goal (I think), and guys in tight stretchy looking pants hit each other with their bodies. So what's a girl to do at a Super Bowl party when she knows nothing about football? She finds a way to fake it.

Why even try to fake it you may be wondering?
If you don't at least try to know something you will be called out on it and people will make fun of you. It might not matter to you that people find your lack of sports knowledge funny, but you will get tired of being asked countless sports questions you never know the answer too. It's like a whole new joke every time you don't know the answer. Word of caution: never take a guess! If you guess an answer that is wrong, for some reason it is ten times funnier than if you just admit defeat.
Friend: Hey Ellen do you know how many innings are even in this baseball game?
Me: I don't know like 45
Me: It feels like 45
I am still hearing about this incident and it happened not days, not weeks, not months, but YEARS ago.


1. Do your prep work
Do some research before the game. You're not going to become an expert through google search, but it's important to know who is playing and what cities they are from. That will be the first question they ask. So this is how it should go:
Friend: Hey Ellen do you even know who is playing in the Super Bowl this year?
You: Why yes I do kind friend it's the San Francisco 49s vs the Baltimore Ravens...good try though. 

2. Pick the right outfit
Find out what colors represent both teams, and don't wear either of them. If you're too lazy to look it up, black or white is always a safe call. You don't want to commit to a team too early. If you walk into a Super Bowl party wearing the color of a team, you've instantly committed. 

3. Pick a side 
When you get there scout out the room and see what team the majority is routing for. Don't speak to anyone while your observing. Just be like a fly on the wall eavesdropping on as many game related conversations as you can. If someone tries to talk to you about it buzz right past them in a non-offensive way that also doesn't make you look crazy. Once you find out which team is favored by the room, jump on that bandwagon and ride it till the game is over. 

4. Listen for the calls of your people
When you hear loud screaming from the majority, join in. This is the only way you will know if something good or bad happened.

5. Shout
When you hear your people shouting be ready to join in. Sports are more fun when everyone yells opinions at the TV. Come prepared with both positive and negative things to say, such as:
What a terrible call
Great play
Run run run!
Good interception
I can't believe that guy just did that
Some of these get tricky if you really have no idea. You can always just reword what you hear.
Friend: That has totally an interference, what is going on here?
You: What is up with this game, that way totally and interference!
I suggest keeping it simple by just making noises at the TV such as:
These are gold and always work as a fall back plan. Depending on your tone these can all be tailored and changed quickly during mistaken good or bad situations.

6. Use Distractions
If someone comes at you with a question you don't know the answer to, be prepared to avoid answering. I suggest rotating through these various methods:
- Point at the TV and yell, "Oh my god!" When they turn around to look, run away.
- Stop and say, "I'm sorry someone in the other room just called my name."
- Instead of answering just say, "Oh gotta go, the bathroom is free now."
- Sit next to a bowl of some kind of finger food. Right before they finish the question, shove a hand full in your mouth...It's impolite to talk while you're chewing.

Those are my tips, and I hope they help.
Good luck to all of you football fakers!

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